the prince: tired of being little

when i was 6 years old, i drew a picture. it looked like this:

[world-famous picture inserted here]

whenever a grown up came by to see it, i asked if they were scared of my drawing and they almost always responded with: "why would i be scared of a hat, silly?"

channelising my limited energy resources to correct them — that it wasn't a hat i had drawn but a boa constrictor — i got several strange (a few funny) looks that told me there was no convincing them that "trust me, it's a boa constrictor; i drew it," or "please be scared of it."

gradually, it became a fricking chore. eventually, i stopped trying.

grown ups are stupid. it seems all they want to do all day is be told they are the only right ones, that right-ness automatically comes from wronging non-grown-ups. it's pathetic, tbh, but they don't want to hear it from a kid (or anybody for that matter).

the fault in the tobacco tubes

"it's a metaphor, you see," he explained. "you put the killing thing in your mouth but never light it, never give it the power to kill you."

i took a breath: equal parts deep... and annoyed. if this was a fucking metaphor, i'll learn to settle for similes.

whoever empowers giant cig corps only to be left with a pack of soggy garbage doesn't deserve to be called my superhero. i understand why meeting your heroes from up close is said to be for dummies, and i don't intend to be one any longer.

of lions and lambs

lions should not be allowed to fall in love with lambs. this should be obvious for two reasons:

1. lambs are stupid.
2. lions are sick and sadistic.

taken together, this is literally the worst combo in the entire history (or the future) of animalkind. we know sick beings don't live for that long so why even bother. and still worse are lions who can't keep their shining manes in check.

there's a time and space for things. timing, bro. spacetiming!

sheep counter

"stop counting sheep," i yelled. "1 sheep is a lot of sheep for you to have!"

being 1 is what makes a sheep unique and 2 or more would've rendered each ordinary. then i thought: oh, no. not them again.

i could see the buildup, the accumulation which i never thought would be there because it is unnatural for princes to have them.

then i begged: "no crying pls." (that's been transcribed the exact way i speak — in abbrevs!) "you can have all the sheep in the world," i promised. "and more... you can have me too!"

bwaahah, i bleated and his chuckle that followed made my day.